Andrew Brookes
Let me start with May 31st 1979. I was 16 and approaching my O-level exams. I had been going through a period of difficulty, doubt and darkness for various reasons and all this was now compounded by a medical illness. I entered a crisis period marked by anguish, soul searching, self-loathing and desperate prayer and pleading with God too. I could see no way out of my immediate predicament – there was serious talk of withdrawing me from my exams – and less escape still from my general life situation of which I felt the present problem was only symptomatic. Then I woke up on that morning to a new reality. To my complete surprise, I was totally at peace, filled with a deep assurance of being loved and that everything would be fine and what I can only describe as a sense of the closeness of God to me, as much within me as outside of me. I had not experienced anything like this before. As a tried to take all this in, the thought came to me “God loves me unconditionally and exactly as I am no matter what I have done or will do, bad or good.” It was like a revelation. I had already promised God that if he got me out of the mess I felt my life had become, I would give him my life and seek to follow him closely. So there and then I committed my life to God, in sheer gratitude and joy for what had happened and who I now felt God to be but with real sincerity and commitment too. (I then got up!)
Over the next few weeks I found I sustained a prayer life and that I also developed a real hunger for reading Scripture. This new sense of God’s closeness and his love for me persisted and grew. All this began to effect my attitude to myself, to others and my behaviour. I started reading Christians books. I decided to get involved in the Christian Union group at school. A series of talks (based on Paul’s letter to the Romans) helped to bring me to really believe the content of the Creed – much of which I had come to doubt. Within a few weeks, I was organising and leading outreach events and taking on other Christian roles at school and church. In a way this period of very obvious blessing put in place important foundations for the life of discipleship that followed. In fairness, it also brought into early adult faith, a journey I had been supported on through childhood faith too.
Although there have been other key moments I have come to realise that faith is a journey, a relationship and a mystery. I realise it is always a gift – from God who first loves us – but one that needs constantly to be responded to. This is how God grows his life - by his Holy Spirit - in us. For the most part with me it has been about fostering a steady and faithful life of discipleship with a commitment to personal prayer, sacramental participation, fellowship with other Christians, a growth in holy living, study of Scripture and other Christian writing, a commitment to Christian witness, service and mission and in all of this to seek to specifically know and do the will of God. To date this has included several years in seminary, 5 teaching RE in challenging schools and the last 6 living in faith (i.e. with no humanly secure income) committed to work mainly in the fields of evangelisation and ecumenism. Though there have been other crucial moments and dramatic graces most of this has been very ‘ordinary’. There have been real difficulties too. In fact the times of greatest personal difficulty and disappointment (sometimes directly linked to being Christian or acting in Christian ways) have proved to be the most fruitful for my growth in Christ. I have made lots of mistakes and increasingly realise my frailty yet also the faithfulness and mercy of God and that he is able to be and do so much more in us than we dare to imagine. I hope to run the race of faith to the end and lay hold of Christ for eternity who entered history to graciously take hold of me (cf. Phil 3:12).
Except for a period (admittedly of several years as an adult) when the whole of my faith went through a darkness, such that at times I struggled even to recognise it as faith at all, I have had a fascination with and attraction to Jesus from my earliest days. I find him profound but provocative, spiritual but practical, challenging yet assuring, puzzling yet authoritative all at once and more besides – and that is before I start to think about specific Christian beliefs about him.
My parents introduced me to him in story and prayer. Being named Andrew after an apostle and friend of Jesus was an immense help since I grew up very naturally imagining myself in Gospel scenes with Jesus, helped by various well-illustrated books. Jesus and I were friends. As a teenager he became a hero, a radical and challenging prophet (not least on social issues), a moral and spiritual giant, prepared to die for what he believed in. (I had abandoned the resurrection and nativity narratives as fairy tale accretions). Within weeks of my encounter with God in a profoundly personal way at 16, belief in Incarnation and Trinity had come (or returned) along with an appreciation of Jesus’ life, death and resurrection as salvific too. Jesus was now my Lord, God and Saviour. From then on and still now, I see my life and decisions as a response to what God in Christ has done for me. I desire that he live in and through me – that “it is not I that live, but Christ that lives in me (cf Gal 2:20)”.
Since then, various facets of who Christ is, how he lived, what he taught, what he still does, and how he can be encountered have become significant to me at different times and in different ways. That is not to say I have Jesus sussed and neatly boxed. He is far too big for that despite his closeness and accessibility. Like Peter, I often find myself perplexed but confessing “Lord, to whom else shall I go? You have the words of eternal life! (cf Jn 6:68)”. Jesus is unconditional love but also tough love – he loves me enough to accept me as I am, but too much to leave me that way. Being his disciple is demanding but full of discovery and utterly worthwhile. What is more, it is a relationship that can go on forever!
I know I can never get to the bottom of who Jesus is or what he has done and what he still offers the world and every person in it. Nor do I want to. It is a joy but also a constant challenge just to be called to daily grow in my relationship with Christ, ‘pressing on’ as St Paul puts it. It is a privilege to be caught up in the Mystery of Christ and somehow and very imperfectly, to be part of his body on earth, an instrument used by him to bring his love, truth and life to others.
Surveys show that Jesus (rightly) remains a figure of general interest, respect and fascination to the contemporary world despite its secularism and suspicion of religion. Let’s make the most of this opportunity to introduce Jesus to others!
The Church is frustrating and makes lots of mistakes – because it is human and therefore very fallible and full of faults but so, I have steadily come to realise, am I. I increasingly appreciate church and know I could not live my Christian life without it. Seeing the church as a reality centred on and founded by Christ is absolutely essential to my commitment to, and love for, the church. It is the body of Christ, the Bride of Christ (and he laid down his life for her) and so part of my commitment to Christ is commitment to her. However, intimate or direct my relationship with God through Christ is, I would not have become or remained Christian without so many other Christians and without the corporate life of the church as such. (This is obvious from experience and reason as well as Scripture and theology.)
I was brought up a Catholic, born a “Vatican II baby”. I have at times struggled to be at home in Catholicism and even felt in various combinations bemused, confused, smothered by it all – it is a lot to take in(!), embarrassed as well as frustrated and hurt though would now find it very strange to be anything else. For me it has been an ‘acquired’ taste – though one I made a clear commitment to at 18. Since then, I have been glad of the clear witness and guidance of its authoritative teaching. I have also grown in my appreciation of its wisdom and balance and how it can hold together so many important features of Christian life. I also appreciate the way it affirms yet critiques what it means to be human and more generally to be part of society, culture and the whole created order. At its best and most authentic, its presentation of faith combines the certain conviction of unique Revelation in Christ with an invitation to grow into an immensely deep mystery. It also balances an openness to the goodness of creation and a use of reason guided by faith that seeks to find unity in diversity and yet is capable of prophetic witness against evil and error. I really value the rhythm of the liturgical seasons and how they take us through, and increasingly incorporate us within, the life and work of Christ. My life has steadily been shaped in subtle but powerful ways by the Eucharist. Finally the church takes us into the heart of the communion of saints, those living on earth and those with the Lord beyond the grave. I know my Christian journey would be impossible without this communion and their help, love and support. The church’s sheer diversity has also been enriching, and I have benefited immensely from all sorts of contacts and involvement with different groups, religious orders, new communities and movements. The Holy Spirit is so rich and lavish in his distribution of gifts and the ways he works!