FELICITY KAVANAGH

I am a cradle Catholic, mature in years. In my childhood the importance of daily prayer and the benefits of frequenting the sacraments, particularly receiving Jesus in Holy Communion, were emphasised. My journey of becoming closer to God has been a long slow one without dramatic events, but with much side stepping on my part. It is through lack of confidence, a fear of failure with a sense of helplessness, that my journey progressed and my faith deepened.

I had experienced major personal bereavement and my work as a nurse in the local community had brought me into close contact with death, dying and bereavement. However, outside work I went to considerable lengths to avoid facing anyone who was stricken by grief following the death of a loved one, because I felt so helpless, there was nothing I could do for them. Early in the 1980s a new course was offered in our parish in Harrow for those who felt they would like to help those who were bereaved. Thinking that this may help me in my work as a community nurse I decided to do this course.

Some of us who had done this course formed a group, which soon became known as the Bethany Support group. The main aim was to give support to those in our community who were bereaved. Soon the Bethany Support group spread to other parishes as we organized the training in other parishes. In 1996 after my husband and I moved to Spalding in Lincolnshire, I took up a new post of bereavement support coordinator for a local funeral director so I initiated the development of the Bethany Support group there.

Thus for 24 years I had the privilege of working, in both a professional and voluntary capacity, with the bereaved. I learnt to think of myself as God’s instrument and by this I understood that there was an integral relationship between my faith and my work. Yes, sometimes I was afraid of my helplessness in the face of their pain. This was counteracted by my short doorstep prayer of

’Lord, help me to remember there is nothing going to happen today that you and I together cannot handle’.

The greatest wonder of our Christian faith is the Incarnation. God because He loved us so much became human in the person of Jesus. God wanted us so much to be one with Him that in Jesus God shared all human experiences and emotions including sadness, fear, grief and agony. All this unites Jesus to me and (sometimes through me) to the one who is bereaved. For me it is a question of love shared; the love that Jesus has for me is what I can, indeed I must, give to others, particularly those who are bereaved.

Many of those I visited said they did not have any particular religious faith; many said they would never be able to cope, but many found hidden (God given) strength. I received much support from being a witness to God’s healing and transforming love manifested in a person coping and coming through grief to an acceptance of what had happened. As each person told of his/her unique experience I was confident of Jesus’ presence and that we were united to Him in hope even if the bereaved person was not aware of it at that time.

Recently we have moved to Shropshire to be near some of our family, so I am settling into a new parish. I reflect on the lives of many bereaved persons that I have been privileged to share and through whom I have learnt that ‘listening’ and ‘being with’ are often more important than ‘doing‘. It is not about ‘me’ but ‘Christ with - in me’.