JOHN SUCKLING- MY TESTIMONY
FROM RAVES TO PRAISE
I was born on 20th April 1977 in Ashington, Northumberland into a loving family -my mother Lynn, father Andrew and older sister Marie. I had a good upbringing and was very much loved and cared for by my parents. Religion didn’t play a part in my childhood as my Mum and Dad considered themselves atheist. However, my mother has since been confirmed into the Church of England in 2003.
The nearest I got to any form of religion was the odd “Our Father” and grace before meals whilst at school. I consider my childhood to have been happy but looking back now I believe that you can never find true joy and happiness without Jesus.
Throughout my childhood religion was never really discussed in my family but my Grandfather moved to Doncaster after my Nanny died. He went to church every Sunday (C of E). He used to come to our house for Sunday dinner after church. Looking back it strikes me now that he always seemed to be happy and full of joy after he’d been to church. I remember seeing the Bible in his house and also going to a Christmas carol service with him. Although these things didn’t make a deep impression on me at the time, I believe they made some sort of impression and I’m sure he used to pray for us all. My Grandmother (on my mother’s side) also had faith. I always remember her saying “Good night and God Bless”. So as a child I know now that my grandparents would have been praying for me. I believe that prayer brings about conversion. Although their prayer didn’t prevent me from taking the path that I did, I’m sure it helped in my subsequent conversion.
Nowadays some parents seem happy to tell their children that God doesn’t exist but are happy to let them believe in Father Christmas. I have a niece called Tamar and whenever she sees me she always asks questions about Jesus and Mary. I take time to answer these as best I can because I believe it is important.
Growing up, I had the same aspirations as any one my age; marriage, children, a nice house etc. I attended Armthorpe Comprehensive School and didn’t enjoy it. About the same time I started experimenting with solvents. Like all teenagers, I was searching for something and wanted to experiment and experience new things. There were no bad events in my past that triggered me to experiment with solvents, I knew it was wrong but it didn’t stop me.
Because I had already experimented with substance misuse it was easy to move on and try different drugs. I enjoyed the buzz and also escaping from reality and I found this in drugs. Many people are searching and wanting to escape, they do this in various ways, including money, alcohol, material possessions, holidays etc. It often comes down to wanting instant gratification but this never leads to lasting fulfilment. I believe that I was searching like anybody else but happened to find my escape and instant gratification through mind altering chemicals.
We all have an inner void which we are trying to fill. We are all made for God and can only fill this void by living in communion with the Lord.
Whilst at school I was excluded on a couple of occasions for minor, silly things. I played truant a lot and as a result left school with no real qualifications. When I left school I realised that I would have to do something with my life and tried a couple of jobs, mainly factory work. I realised I didn’t like this and wanted to escape. I found this escape in drugs. At the same time I discovered rave music. This became like a religion for me, I belonged to a community. I believe the result of this music is to encourage people to take amphetamines and ecstasy. The majority of people who go to raves take drugs and get “off their heads”. It’s about dancing in a mass frenzy, waving your arms about in state of ecstasy to experience physical euphoria brought about by drugs. It’s making idols out of drugs and DJ’s who become celebrities. I’m convinced that Satan is at work here, it feels exciting to take drugs, you talk to like minded people about the music and it all seems so acceptable. You feel like you belong to a community. In reality it’s all about sin and is Satan at work. I believe taking drugs is a mortal sin. This is a serious offence against God.
On Mondays I was always coming down off drugs and as a result couldn’t hold a job down for any length of time. The consequences of my drug use were unhappiness and depression. It was like a spiral. If I wasn’t on drugs I was unhappy and depressed so I had to escape. I wanted to escape from reality, but I didn’t know what reality was. I now know that God is the only true reality.
When I was coming down off drugs I used to ask myself the question, what is the purpose of my existence? At these times I would look for answers and would pick up the Bible. I would toy with the idea of religion, and read when I couldn’t sleep. Drugs and the Bible don’t mix and whilst coming down off drugs, reading the Bible was very difficult and problematic. It comes down to searching; I was still searching for something.
These times were very low points in my life, but looking back it was at these times that I turned to God. That’s when He is really there for you, when you need Him the most. I asked Jesus to come into my heart on many occasion whilst on drugs but I never felt anything, nothing happened, or so I thought at the time. Looking back this was all leading up to my eventual conversion. I must stress that I was still under the influence of drugs at these times whilst considering religion and praying. However as soon as I had come down off the drugs, I wanted more drugs.
Drug addictions make a person selfish, and I was also a heavy drinker, and if I wasn’t on drugs I was drinking. Due to not working I had no money which I needed to get more drugs and alcohol. I started stealing from my parents. At the time I just didn’t care about anyone other than myself and how I felt and I needed drugs to feel normal. I was always stealing, pawning my mum's jewellery and justified my behaviour by thinking that I’d get it back when I made some money, or I justified it by the way I was feeling. Deep down I knew it was wrong. My mum and family were distraught and this hurt me greatly. This made me feel even worse which only led me back to drugs in order to escape my guilt.
I was using a lot of speed which meant that I wasn’t sleeping for 4 to 5 days at a time. To help come down off the speed I was introduced to heroin. I quickly became addicted to heroin. If I wasn’t on heroin, I was on amphetamine and all this whilst still drinking heavily.
This pattern of behaviour went on into my 20’s. I was still stealing from my parents and family. My family had had enough, they tried their best to help me but to no avail. They had no option but to inform the police when I broke into my sister’s house when I was high on drugs. I was arrested and put in prison on remand until my court date. On 10th October 2002 I was sentenced to 12 months in prison for the break in and also for stealing and using my mum’s credit card.
Prison was a relief for me I wasn’t using drugs. I had a routine in prison and some discipline. I became clean for a long time. I started going to church services because I had the opportunity and was genuinely interested. I attended Bible study and also the Sunday ecumenical service. The first time I went to Catholic mass was on a Monday evening. I loved it, it felt right, and it spoke to me. I started going every week.
After a few weeks I was moved from Doncaster prison to Lindholme prison. I continued to go to mass on a Sunday afternoon. I felt the need to be baptised. Baptism was a huge thing for me because of how scripture spoke to me and I also wasn’t baptised as a baby. There are many references to it in the New Testament. So after mass one day I asked Fr Bernard if I could be baptised. His response was lukewarm but he was testing me, I believe, to see how serious I was. He wanted to make sure that I was committed and it wasn’t just something to do in prison. Baptism is not something to be taken lightly so Fr Bernard encouraged me to take an active part in the celebration of mass, at the offertory procession, readings, and bidding prayers. I also enrolled on a Journey in Faith course.
Before I was baptised I met another Catholic on the same wing as me. His name was Robert and we became friends. He introduced me to the rosary and explained how to pray it. I believe this was important because I was introduced to Mary. I was praying the rosary daily up to the day of my baptism. In hindsight I believe that praying the rosary helped me through a difficult period, when other prisoners who were anti-catholic were trying to discourage me from being baptised and praying the Rosary. I was eventually baptised into the Catholic faith whilst in prison on 30th March 2003.
A few weeks later I was released from prison. On the first day of my release on returning home I was straight back on drugs and alcohol even though I had convinced myself that I was going to make a new start. I did attend a mass a couple of times but stopped because of my drug use. I think this was due to a mixture of guilt and the state I was in psychologically and physically due to the drug and alcohol abuse.
I thought with my baptism that all my problems would go away and that I would make a new start and be a stronger person. In hindsight I have come to understand that my weaknesses were still within me, these being drugs and alcohol abuse. We are all weak because of original sin and thanks be to God that His grace is available through prayer and the sacraments of the church to overcome our weaknesses. However, for me this didn’t happen until I fully realised this and I took God seriously.
It was downhill from here and looking back I feel that I was targeted by Satan and he didn’t want to give me up. I have since realised that this is a daily battle. I continued to drink and take drugs. One day I had a drink, but drink was never enough it always led me to drugs. I had an over whelming and stupid desire to commit a burglary in order to attain money to buy amphetamines. I saw an open window in a flat and went in and stole some jewellery.
My drug use spiralled out of all control. I had become paranoid and confused because of the amphetamines and concocted conspiracy theories about my family and the world. I thought every one was out to get me. Late one night I was walking about high on amphetamines and stole a car, for no reason whatsoever other than it was something to do. I was flashed by the police and pulled over without trying to make an escape. I just wanted to go back to prison; I was at an all time low. Whilst in custody I confessed to the burglary I had committed. The police didn’t know anything about this and had no evidence, but I was so low I just wanted to be back in prison.
The magistrate’s court couldn’t deal with me as I was looking at a sentence greater than 6 months so I was back on remand for a month whilst waiting to go to crown court. Whilst in prison I started going back to mass and went to confession. I also began to pray the rosary again. A month passed by and I went to Sheffield Crown Court for my hearing.
Whilst waiting to be sentenced, in the holding cell, I prayed to Our Lord and Our Lady for justice to be done and for help, as I was nervous and anxious. I was sentenced to 18 months for burglary and T.W.O.C (taking without owners consent) and taken back to my holding cell to wait for a bus to take me back to Doncaster prison. After 15 minutes I was called back into court and was told that due to a technicality (I can’t remember the exact details) they had no power to keep me- the sentence was invalid. So I walked!
I was completely and utterly shocked as was my Mother when I phoned her. She allowed me to move back home and I started to go to mass regularly, and praying my rosary daily. During this time I was confirmed on the 28 November 2003 at Our Lady of Sorrows Armthorpe. I was given another court date in the following February in order to be re-sentenced and so was able to spend Christmas with my family. I remained drug and alcohol free up until and including my sentence.
I was sentenced in February 2004 to 18 months and sent to Wetherby prison. In spite of this I was very positive about my life and was attending church services and mass ever Sunday. I served 5 months and for the remainder of my sentence I was electronically tagged at my mother's home. Upon release the old temptations surfaced again. I succumbed to the drugs for a month or so. Once again I felt unable to attend mass because of my guilt and also I was in no fit state to pray. I missed once, then twice, and that was it! However I found a job and so had some stability. I threw myself into my work and was able to control my addictions to some extent. However, I continued to drink and smoke cannabis on an evening and weekend. After about 9 months I started to use more heavily and taking amphetamines once more. This led to me losing my job. I really cracked up this time. I was totally paranoid and my family thought I was schizophrenic and tried to have me sectioned. I went to the hospital seeking help but was told I needed to stop taking amphetamines.
Due to my drug use I became homeless and spent my days walking around aimlessly. My paranoia caused by my drug use became so bad that I ended up in a Texaco Petrol station in Thorne near Doncaster. I thought everyone was out to kill me. I had a bright idea and decided to pick up the diesel pump and hold a lighter to it, looking at the CCTV camera wanting the police to come and pick me up. (However, this was not quite as stupid as it seemed! My science classes at school were not totally lost on me and I knew that diesel wouldn’t ignite easily). I didn’t want to kill myself or hurt anyone. I just wanted the police to come and protect me. I thought people were trying to kill me, I was so paranoid from my heavy use of amphetamines.
The police came and arrested me. When I was arrested I volunteered my bag of amphetamines which were concealed in my sock. Needless to say I was found guilty of possession of amphetamines but I wasn’t charged for my other behaviour. I was placed on probation on a drug treatment and testing order. I lied to probation that I was addicted to heroin also other drugs, which I wasn’t. I did this to enable me to be placed on methadone, which is a heroin substitute as I felt the need for a substance. The probation service found me some accommodation in Edlington near Doncaster. I stopped taking amphetamines but continued to drink heavily as well as taking methadone. My alcohol eventually took over and I started stealing spirits from shops. This went on up until Ash Wednesday 2006. I was arrested and sentenced to one month for criminal damage. Whilst in prison I went to mass and saw Fr Bernard who had baptised me 3 years earlier. He heard my confession and explained that he had now retired from the prison and was Parish Priest at St Paul’s Church in Cantley. I was released 3 years after the day of my baptism on 30th March 2006. Upon release I started to go to mass as often as possible and prayed my rosary daily. I did have one relapse after my release. I learned from this experience that I had no control over my drinking and it led me to take drugs. I realised that in order to stop offending God and to beat my drug addiction I had to give up drinking. I prayed for the grace every day to stop drinking and went to mass as often as possible (and still do!) I was given the grace to beat my addictions. Thanks be to God.
Whilst attending mass at St Paul’s on Friday evenings I met a new circle of friends. Because of the changes my Mum saw in me-I wasn’t drinking and was regularly attending mass- she allowed me to move back home.
In September 2006 I was given a ticket to go to Medjugorje. Whilst in Medjugorje, praying the rosary before evening mass I had what I can only describe as a strange experience. It was as if Mary was saying to me “Are you not going to thank me for the time you were released from court after being sentenced?” This time gave me the opportunity to be confirmed which looking back was a huge event in my life but at the time I didn’t fully appreciate this. I also remembered all the other times I had asked for help through the intercession of Our Lady. Whilst in Medjugorje I was able to say thank you and offer a very small token of my gratitude by lighting a candle in thanksgiving to Our Lady.
I have since had another opportunity to go to Medjugorje for the New Year – 2007. I used this opportunity to give thanks and praise for all the many graces and blessings I have received since March 2003 to help me overcome my addictions. I have been given a new life!
Since April 2006 I have not touched drink or taken any drugs. I feel as though I have been given my weapons against my personal Goliath. My little stones are
Prayer with the heart (rosary)
Eucharist
Holy Bible
Fasting
Monthly confession
Without these I know for a fact that I wouldn’t be where I am today. God gives us abundant graces through prayer and the sacraments.
I would like to thank my family for their love, support, understanding and forgiveness, Fr. Bernard O'Brien for his support and prayers and Sisters Elizabeth and Christina for welcoming me with such kindness.
I would also like to thank the Marshall family for treating me so kindly especially Lee for his help and encouragement in writing this testimony. Also Jose for being Jose!